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I have lost my mood to almost everything. I forgot my purpose and I do not know the meaning of my life. My heart wants to keep moving forward but my mind wants to shutdown. I do not know what is wrong with me. I do have; wonderful parents, supportive brothers, a well-beloved girlfriend, a rewarding career and cool friends, but I still feel that something is missing. I am willing to sacrifice for the good of others and I have been really helpful to many people, but I have been not nice to myself. I have dealt with so many challenges, but I still feel weak and helpless. I have always thought that I am a strong kind of guy with the top-gun-right-stuff-macho attitude, but I am wrong, it is still yet to be found within me.

I am not saying that I am not motivated nor inspired but I am just really confused and full of negative emotions. So here I am, writing how I feel, and trying to release every bit of negativity that I have ignored for a long time and which is haunting me now. I am venting everything in this letter to make myself feel better, for tomorrow I shall embark on a journey and become a better person that I can. I hope that being a man-in-uniform and doing great things will help me solve the mystery and find my answers.

-Flyboy

I cannot sleep, I find it hard to eat; even breathing is difficult. I wish things to be good, but it is yours to decide. I have nothing but insulted your intelligence and questioned your beauty, which I assure is unlike any I have ever witnessed, in every possible aspect. Your eyes shine with an amazing radiance; your smile is divine, and your image remains cemented in my mind. It is ironic, you were my one and only true happiness, though at times and now you were my only sorrow.

All I can ask for now is your forgiveness, though inside I will yearn for so much more. I yearn to embrace your gentle touch, to gaze into your mystifying eyes just one more time, and to kiss softly your full red lips. If I had known things would have turned out this way, I would have changed it all. All of those immature insults would instead have been compliments. I can do nothing but apologize for my behavior, these feelings were new to me. I had not felt for anyone what I feel for you.

Now I must feel this way alone. I have pushed you away, and spoiled my opportunity, if in fact a chance ever existed. Until then I shall suffer the punishment I have dealt myself.

I am just a guy who loves you very much.

CJ

I am so emotional and irrational that there is nothing I can say that is seemingly okay. I am really mad at myself right now. Why the fuck am I making so many mistakes recently? I definitely need someone to have a conversation with because I feel so alone, lonely, and hated, or maybe I don’ t need one and I should spend time for myself and see what will happen. I guess I just need to calm myself and wait for good things to come.

Bring it on!

“To err is human.” - Melchior De Polignac

I have been thinking a lot since that night. You are right. I was self- centered and mainly concerned with my own personal interests. I was selfish and unfair to you.

I want to make things right. I know that I should be hated because you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I have to admit that I am giving you so much tension and stressing you out recently, for that I am truly sorry. I know sorry is not enough but that is the only thing that I have. I am willing to be better and try to look back from the very beginning, in search of what went right and wrong, so I can be good enough for you. I am not asking for your love anymore, but I want to let you know that I love you and you are always in my heart. I can’t promise not to overreact again but I shall try my very best and every bit of guts just not to do something stupid. I will let you be yourself and I will still continue to care for you but I will not get in your way.

I want to be a part of your life, but I don’ t know if I am still welcome.

I ask for your forgiveness and I wish to sort things out.

That is all I have to say.

I really had sleepless days, moving here and there, on and from the sofa and thinking about what happened to us last night. I least expected it, I experienced the worst headache ever, all I could hear was my heart beating much faster than it ever has. I cursed everyone that last night, as my expectation for the night was so much greater, but it ended in a far different way that made my heart choke with tears of losing something I’ve always fought for.

We all made mistakes not trying to understand each other, some words did hurt in some way and I guess we got carried away after all those arguments. I know we both said so many things to each other that we least expected, trying to find out the truth about something, it’s really hard and needs much time, but I guess I got carried away by saying those words to you. I’ve regretted saying those things to you and making you feel bad also hurts me a lot. Whether you accept my apology or not, I’m truly sorry for my harsh and unpleasant words.

Perhaps this is the chance for us to experience the passion in each other. The most important thing is that this is not our first love experience and one thing we must understand is that, in every relationship, whether old or new, we’re sure to experience some problems but it’s up to us to solve them. These are some of the things that might break our warm friendship and everything we are planning ahead of us. We need to understand each other and try to have the trust that will make this relationship work. I know you want this to work as much as I do and I still have my hopes up, never giving up on you.

I don’t know how to make things right. For now, I know sorry is just a word, but for what it’s worth. I am very sorry for hurting you last night. You caused me pains too but and I’m really confused about everything. I really want things to be stable and that you get all the time you need to make your decision. I love you so much and never will you think that I can forget you in my mind and heart.

Hope to hear from you.

I remain yours.

Marj,

I don’t even know what to say. I have so many things that swim through my mind about you that it mixes all together.  All the conversations we’ve had about our relationship and where it’s at and what it means is so confusing to me. At one point you were telling me how important I am to you and how you don’t want to lose me- that I make you forget about your problems and you have so much fun with me. Then some minutes ago, you tell me that you don’t care, you answered me back with the crash to my heart. I feel so disconnected to you.

I don’t think you need a person like me in your life right now, you really need to worry about your future and it doesn’t look like I’ll be a part of it for now, and I just bring you down. I am not leaving you in this relationship but I will let you have your own space. Just let me know if you want to talk.

The love in my heart for you will never change. I was told that time heals everything. I’ve come to believe that time just makes things a little easier to deal with.

CJ

I miss you so much, Marjorie. It feels so hard not to be with you, to hear you breathing while you are sleeping, to see you wake up, or to wake you up in that way… *winks*. I can’t touch your face nor kiss your lips. I can’t even hold your hand. All we can do is to type words across a screen. It is almost as if we are in this imaginary land. We grew so close and you became my best friend. I fell in love with you over time. Through all the IMs, phone calls, texts, and emails, our love grows higher than we could climb. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months that we knew each other better than anyone ever could. Endless hours were spent talking about everything and nothing. We laughed and we cried, we spent more time together than we should.

Our love is like no other, different, but true. How can I fall in love with someone I can’t personally see? Maybe it is the words you typed across my screen, or maybe it is the thought of something that could be? We dream and we hope to be together someday. Do I think that it is worth the wait? Yes I do. I would work my ass off just to be with a lady like you.

Tonight, I find myself sitting in front of my computer while waiting, wishing and hoping for those beautiful words of yours to pop up across my screen.

I miss you my love. Be safe.

Hey Huggs,

I miss you. I hope you’re as happy as me. It’s the middle of the night and I am thinking about you, like I always do.

Sometimes life hits you with unexpected things that take you totally by surprise. All I can say is that you’re the best surprise life has given me and your capacity for love, caring, and understanding never ceases to amaze me. I’ve truly been blessed by finding you and I’ll never let you go. The thought of you makes me glad that I have you. I miss you every second of my life ever since the first time I heard you on the phone and heard your cute voice. I knew I found someone special. I will always remember how wonderful you are and how every time I hear your sweet voice I would smile and I was happy from that point on. I want you to know how much, I sincerely love the countless hours we spend talking. It means so much to me. It truly seems like I’ve known you forever and I honestly can’t imagine life without you now. There will be no looking back, no second thoughts and no regrets. I love you and only you, and that love will only grow stronger.

Lovelots.

I sit here after our conversation today, upset and thinking that I have done something wrong. I read my text message and found out that I didn’t choose the right words. I believe that I made you felt bad last night. I am sorry, I never meant for you to feel that way. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, even though it may seem that way sometimes. I beg your pardon.

I thought of you many times during the night, wishing you were by my side. You mean the world to me. I am always so lonely when there are long periods of time between the times we speak. A day without talking to you, feels like forever. I always find myself trying to keep busy because if I sit still for too long, my heart begins to ache and I feel your absence. I adore you and, even though I have not looked into your beautiful eyes or tasted your soft lips, I know that, in doing so, it would exceed all of my expectations.

We sit impatiently on the brink of satisfaction and it is so hard to imagine how our solo journeys we took to reach each other, will turn into a new journey that we will begin together. I know that our love can outlast time. Marj, I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am so happy that I have you. I am elated to have fallen in love with such an intelligent, wonderful and loving lady, a lady who loves me for even my countless flaws.

I hope this will make you feel better.

I love the way you put in every effort that you can, just to make everything works for us.  I really appreciate that, even though there are times when things are getting rough with our lives. With the thought that somebody like you would always be there to lend me some of her time, just to make me happy and complete, is incomparable. I like your messages so much; when I read them, I feel warm. I feel so, so good and very happy. Everytime I look at your pictures, I miss you lots - all day and all night. You stole my heart and it hasn’t been able to escape you.

We’ve built so much together and grown so close. I am not sure how long will you be there for me, but I just wish it would be forever. You make everything worth while, you make me believe in dreams, that they are really free and that getting a hold of them is only a matter of faith, persistence and confidence. Thank you for giving me a chance. I wish that I can always catch you, hoping never to lose you, and make everything into reality soon.